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Tuesday, 12 April 2011

  • Currently
    Thirteenth Step
    By A Perfect Circle
    Gravity... :)
    see related

    A perfect syncronizing circle....

    I am a loner at heart...

    I've always wanted to do things on my own, depend on nothing...live MY life...answer to NO ONE...

    ...not even a deity higher than myself...or what you will, a God.

    That deity may exist...and I don't want to be disrespectful...I don't want to ask for forgiveness when I knew better than to act, to think, to say...


    I can't be satisfied with myself if I admit to needing assistance...that means I am weak and that means I have failed myself...I want to be a strong person...mentally, physically, emotionally, maybe even spiritually...but at this point in my life I just don't know.


    There are days where there's a thread between my feet and the abyss...and days where I see nothing but ocean floors...


    ...some days I forget that life is perfect....it's such a beautifully orchestrated system...it's all relative yet concrete...full of boundless boundaries and vivid exchange of energy...


    ...I should just accept to thrive on this energy and enjoy life...maybe I'm not weak...maybe I'm malleable...not a blank slate...but a sheet of papyrus...a bamboo stalk...holding it's ground while it sways violently against the wind...


    ...and snap...


    or grow old with the markings of age...


    or become the next face for plastic surgery...



    but perhaps just like those lights in a country town night....where those massive red and brown stars stretching for innumerable miles look like tiny little fireflies...in that infinite blanket of space...I am a thing making up a bigger system...nothing more than a cell in the organism encompassing life...which seems like such a miracle, if you will, for it to exist...

    and more so to co-exist...


    what a beautiful thing to live...to feel...to know...and most of all to learn...from the self and its surroundings...

    making those little life cycles….the constant turning of the mental wheel…


    wow.


Sunday, 05 December 2010

  • Currently
    Kill the Moonlight
    By Spoon
    The Way We Get By
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    Ever changing, always growing, having flexibility...

    I am 25 years old and feeling like a teenager...

    My sister and I have always been late bloomers...while all the girls we grew up with were in a hurry to be grown-ups, wear make-up, shave, and get the boys' attention, we just wanted to get through the days.  I tried (and am pretty sure I am still trying) to hold on to my childhood as much as I could...I don't know that I was robbed of it...I was always too mature and too caring for my own good (or so I was told)...so, in a sense, and this could just be my Catholic background speaking, I am guilty of robbing myself.  I cared more about doing something in my life than boys.  I don't know why...but the thought of someone (else) making me cry and getting in the way of accomplishing those things I had set out for myself never appealed to me.  Contrary to the belief that I was "hard to get," I just was not interested.  I always thought I would end up alone and I was perfectly fine with that.  I remember my art teacher in 8th grade calling me out for wearing pants and shirts 3 sizes too big telling me that she knew I was trying to hide from boys...and I was...I was dealing with a ton of shit...the last thing I wanted to worry about was a boy who didn't even know how to wipe his ass right (thanks for that expression mom hahaha).

    I recently read that teenagers have a hard time reading feelings from expressions and I think I am that way.  I am a teenager that can't seem to understand those around me.   I am constantly running from meeting new people even though I love the novelty of learning about someone new and getting some input which you may not have had previous to meeting a new individual.  As an introvert I didn't really learn to deal with people I guess...and I find myself sitting with a lost look on my face anytime someone acts a bit different because I automatically think I did something wrong...it's hard for me to imagine that maybe something else influenced their conversation with you...or lack of interaction.  I wish I didn't feel so needy of people right now, but I'm sure it's only to distract myself of the soup swirling in my mind that I have to pick out of...I'm scared of myself more than I am of any suspiciously looking stranger...isn't that logical.

    I suppose I can console myself by saying that life's beauty is ever changing, always growing and having flexibility...

Friday, 12 November 2010

  • Currently
    Illinois
    By Sufjan Stevens
    The Seer's Tower
    see related

    Strong Bacha!

       Today is my first official day at work.  An 8 hour day orientation!  Excited?  Of course!  I didn't sleep a wink!  I just hope I'm not nodding off during the sessions because I am really bad about staying seated for more than an hour...It will be nice to get a schedule back...I've been so out of it.  There are days where I sleep a lot...more than 10 hrs and days where I don't sleep a wink (like last night).

       In a hospital setting, HR is required to test you for Tuberculosis (TB) starting with a skin test...mine came out positive (surely from the previous hospital at which I worked).  So I had to get a chest x-ray to make sure it was not actively working on my lungs(and it was not) even when I didn't show any of the symptoms...btw, you can recycle old x-rays...I almost told the doctor who treated me that I kept mine from my immigration medical exam if he would like me to bring them for recycling...  All that poking and blood sucking and running tests...ugh!  I hate doctors...okay, I don't...I just hate coming down with anything where I'll have to go see one and probably get on medication.

    So, I have "dormant" TB and I still have to be treated...for 9 mo.

    I am NOT joking...

    one pill,

    every day,

    for 9 months.

    I have a hard time taking my horse pill multivitamin and the only reason I'm good with a B complex is because you can get it in sublingual form.  This is going to be a battle.  I'm already frustrated by the symptoms.  It makes me so sluggish (which is why I am taking it at night before bed).  I am supposed to "take it easy" this first month of treatment so I can't really do high intensity training...although I don't think I physically could.  I've been feeling so fatigued.  And it seems to exacerbate the pain in my left shoulder...I'll get over it eventually...I think.

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

  • Currently
    The Most Dangerous Animal: Human Nature and the Origins of War
    By David Livingstone Smith
    see related

    Otra noche sonámbula...

     

    Again, I cannot sleep…

    Had a call from HR friendly lady and wants me to sign papers (YAAAAY!)…I’m not claiming victory until I am training at new work…sick of paperwork…for work, lawyer, name changes, etc. etc. etc.  Now I need an actual concrete social security card…and with my new name…sounds funny saying that…ugh…more paperwork!!!  And of course, I’m sure I’ll be doing even more paper work by the end of this year…but maybe that will include college classes…which makes me one happy potato (I can’t be the only person out there squealing of joy as they find dictionary.com has an etymology section right?)…speaking of which…

    New favorite deli style place in Houston: Sweet Tomatoes…they have the freshest and most variable salad I have (yet) seen and their tomato décor is very colorful (yep, like a fly…I’m attracted by light…in my case, colors…the brighter the better).  Their soups rock my vegetarian 100% organic-soy-good-for-the-environment-bullshit socks.  Case in point, I’ve started recycling.

     Today I was reminded what type of mother I would/will be by the sudden onset of what I am hoping was only a migraine from my husband…sort of laughing at myself while I’m browsing through the medicine cabinet, getting him some ice, a cold wet towel, and sitting by his side checking vitals and trying to diagnose him with something I know little about…I’m not a headache person.

    I’m gonna be Esperanza Jr. (aka Mom).

    I’m okay with that.  She grew up poh.  Studied Medicine and became a Medico Cirujano (Surgeon General) back in Veracruz…practiced for 10 years…worked, but made sure to spend quality time with her daughters…instructed in them how education and what is inside one’s heart that is important…not what lies above the epidermis.  She taught us that you are not above anyone else…and certainly not below anyone either…to respect not only cohabitants of this planet, but the planet itself.  She taught us to plan ahead…because she made enough…but didn’t own a car back home…because she didn’t need it…anything she ever saved was to allow us to dream big and go to college and have her as our educational backbone.  She is a true role model for me; even if she thinks she’s never been the best mother…she’s the perfect Mom for me.

    At times I didn’t understand why a woman with such stature would step down to live a life of uncertainty in a totally different world, with an alcoholic as the breadwinner (or the bread loser at the time…not knocking on my dad…I love him and wouldn’t change him; overcoming alcoholism has made him who he is), because she wanted her family to be together…even if more often than not it felt like it was falling apart.


    I never realized I would have to go through the same thing she did…living apart from my husband…and I guess that’s how life works…so that I could understand her reasoning.  It’s an insight I am grateful for…and insights are worth allowing oneself to breathe in those quotidian breaths of life and just enjoy the movements of the hands of the clock because money means nothing…it cannot buy memories you keep in your mind…so I learned from my Hope (Esperanza Sr.).

    Glad to see Amer’s sleeping like a baby now…

Sunday, 24 October 2010